In the spring of 2014 I found out I was pregnant with twins. I have been documenting my journey weekly but haven’t posted anything here till now. I will be periodically posting these thoughts, starting from the beginning. This was written May 27, 2014.
Last week was a physically demanding one, and even more so for a lady pregnant with twins. Following a busy weekend orchestrating a festival filled with aliens, and a few days later, a long day at the Farmers Market, I came home feeling defeated and low. Although my morning sickness is gone and my energy is picking up, my body structure is starting to feel the effects and toll of growing two humans. My back aches, my tailbone is sore, I can’t get comfortable when I sleep and and on that particular evening, after spending a long day on my feet, they were throbbing, most likely from all the extra weight I’m packing around. In that moment most of all, I became overcome with fear in the realization I wasn’t even halfway there! It’s going to get a whole lot worse before it gets better and the fear lies in not knowing how much worse.
But I also don’t know how much better. As this is our first (and second), it’s still hard to imagine our lives with children and the joy they will bring. When my husband found me wrapped up in my giant maternity pillow fighting back tears, he calmed me, and not trying to diminish my fears but instead reassure me, he reminded me I’m not the first one to go through this. He was absolutely right. My friend who recently had her third baby, posted a selfie with her and her tiny new one, saying how thinking about these moments is what got her through the rough moments of pregnancy.
As Nate told me that night, I’m sacrificing my body and self for new life and although I can’t yet see it, I can certainly feel it. It’s a tough thing to do! I have a new respect for young mothers and single mothers as well as those who have to go through this alone. All in all, I have more respect for all mothers, my mother, my grandmothers, their mothers and now myself.
And although pregnancy and birth is happening everyday (even twin pregnancies) and has been going on for a pretty long time, I’m also learning I can’t compare myself to others. I have one friend who is dancing her way across stages 5 mos pregnant and another who was recently surfing in Hawaii 6 months pregnant. Some of my pregnant friends can eat a pint of ice cream every night and although that’s all I want to do, I know better that my body can’t handle that kind of diet. As I work through the aches, I find peace in acceptance that my pregnancy is different from others. I’m not claiming to have the biggest struggle because that’s certainly not true, but it certainly is different.
That particular night was a low one but the next day was better. This past weekend I celebrated my 31 birthday with lots of R&R and I’m feeling like my old self again. Despite the challenges, I wouldn’t rather be anywhere else. I give thanks for this opportunity to join the ranks of women that keep this world moving forward and even more thanks for the reasons we want to.