In the spring of 2014 I found out I was pregnant with twins and started documenting my journey in a weekly post. I will be periodically posting these past writings, starting from the beginning. This was written December 15, 2014.
The babies had their two month checkup this past week. Lucy is climbing her way up the growth charts and Karson is too, although at a slower pace. I was concerned since he is more than a whole pound lighter than Lucy but the doctor assured me since his head size and length are growing at a proper rate, there is no need to worry.
We finished all the necessary routines, just in time before heavy storm winds knocked the power out. Our doctor wished us on our way with super sweet hand knit holiday hats his mother made. He informed us at our next appointment two months from now he’d most likely be giving us the go ahead to start introducing solids. I look forward to that day.
I am still exclusively breastfeeding and it’s hard not to doubt that I’m making enough milk even though I know I am. The babies are developing like they should. They’re both holding their heads up for periods of time and smiling and alert and aware of what’s around them. I feed on demand so I appease them when they need appeasing. They eat through the night and for the most part seem like happy babies. And they both have plenty of wet and dirty diapers. So I know I shouldn’t doubt myself.
As fortunate as I feel to be able to breastfeed, it is definitely one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. Hard isn’t quite the right word because although it was hard in the beginning, now hooking up a couple babies to my breast isn’t the hard part. It’s the demand surrounding breastfeeding that makes it hard. It’s the always having to be ready to stop everything to park myself and them on the couch for a half hour to 45 minutes only to sit down and do it again an hour later. And then again, and again and again.
I pass on the evening cocktail at the end of a long, exhausting day, because I know they’ll be cluster feeding for the next three hours. I’ve given up dairy and other acidic foods like tomatoes and citrus to help with reflux. And it’s been almost a year since I had a cup of coffee. A sleep deprived woman who has to abstain from coffee is akin to torture!
When we’re out and about, I have to finagle my limbs in a way that allow me to breastfeed two babies at once in my car in the parking lot because I can’t stand to hear them cry on the way home. Thank God for tinted windows.
Everything revolves around breastfeeding our babies; the way I eat, sleep, where I go and what I do. It’s always about the boob. It’s the answer, the solution and sometimes even the problem. Whenever they cry, everyone assumes they’re hungry when maybe they just need some cuddling or they’re overtired. Don’t get me wrong I love breastfeeding our babies and I am so glad that I’m able to. I love all the time I get to be so close to them and stare at their beautiful faces. I wouldn’t be doing it if I didn’t want to. It’s just that sometimes it gets hard.
I suppose it’s just the beginning of the many ways I will sacrifice for my children just as I know my parents did for me in so many ways for so many years. We’re just getting started and it won’t always be like this. I’m sure when its not, there will be something else. It’s pretty amazing that I can give our babies all the nutrients they need and I have no reason not to do so, sometimes it’s just hard.